I’m more ambitious than I often acknowledge.

I laid back in my bed and watched the tassel from my high school graduation sway back and forth from my ceiling fan. “Why do I feel restless?” I asked myself. “What are things I can change?”

The first thing I came up with was this: Take moments to breathe, not days.

Does that sound silly?

I’m used to being busy virtually all of the time. I’m used to multi-tasking myself into a fog and exhausting myself to the point where my brain goes into a power saving mode. Doing nothing all day isn’t restful to me. If my whole day is a “break” it feels like work; I start feeling obligated to feel better even when I don’t.

In a book– I guess it’s a self-help book– I’m reading, a question was posed that I’ve been mulling over for a few days now. The writer asked, “What makes you feel deeply alive?”

“Deeply alive,” I thought. “Do I ever feel like that? What even makes me feel alive?” I stopped reading for a while. I felt like I should have an immediate answer. I should have a long and beautiful list like Emily Ley, who wrote the book. I mentally slammed myself against the wall and physically closed the book, twice.

Just like I had to tell myself in college that God didn’t make me Ivy, it seems I have to tell myself in the adult world that God didn’t make me Emily. These other women of God that I’ve encountered who seem able to do all the things that I want to do have different callings on their lives. Beyond that, both of them are people doing their best, living their own lives; neither one is the Son of God who knows even the worst parts of me, but died to save me anyway… So, why am I trying to follow them like they’re the Anointed One?

My list of things that make me feel alive is my own.

I love blogging. I love my mother’s full hugs. I love singing with my sisters. I love hearing my cousins laugh. I love when my goddaughter reaches her arms out to me. I love making up side commentary for movies. I love talking face to face with people. I love walking on warm nights with the moon and stars lighting up the sky. These are the things that make me feel alive.

Blogging isn’t easy. It isn’t always a break from the rest of life. Sometimes, it’s the work I have to take a moment’s break from. Sometimes, it gets me so excited that my thoughts are flowing faster than my fingers can type.

All of the things that make me feel alive call me out of the “comfort zone” that alone time in my room provides. I have to put myself out there into an interactive space to be my ultimate self and get anywhere near fulfilling my calling. Breathing takes a moment, not a day. Spending too much time hiding inside of myself where I can’t impact the world around me makes me feel restless.

So what can I do to come out of my restlessness? Stay connected to God and learn how to balance my life by living attentively.


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