In the back, Montell Fish’s “11:47” plays on repeat

And I get off my knees to make my life like prayer. Let everything I do be talking to God and everything that would normally set me off send me running to His arms.

Is it running away from home if I always come back to the same places and people?

If I always make the same circles?

God knows I want more than this rat race and rage. I want more than fleeting satisfaction.

This is not contentment. This doesn’t last.

Father, what is your best for me?

I know this is not it.

I know that your plan for me is not riddled with this restlessness.

My life was not meant to be a container with holes poked all through it. It’s not supposed to be a game of trying and failing to hold onto just a little bit of happiness, just a little bit of hope.

You can do something about this.

You have a better plan.

Teach me to go along with it.

My wandering and trying to make up a plan and a path along the way, is wearing me out and making me lonely.

I’m running out of energy to give grace, to show love. So, I know this is not the way you want me to live.

Fill me with the hope of your promise. Fill me with the love of your presence and your people.

Teach my hands not to drill holes in the people I can’t help but return to.

Teach my heart not to despise the doors that are always open to me.

Train my mind to focus on you so that wherever I am on the scales of being surrounded by good company or alone, wherever I fall on the scale of expressing extroversion or trauma, I don’t feel lonely.

My morning meditations feel like midnight with the sun up.

All day, I will watch for you to break in. I need you.

 

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