The things I want out of life sound really basic when I say them to myself:
I want to have a bed, a nice neighborhood where I can raise my dog, enough money to keep myself and my dog fed and housed, enough money to go on dates or boba runs.
Part of me says that I should have stayed with my family, but I know I wouldn’t be trying nearly as hard to make it as an adult if I didn’t leave. I felt myself almost resigning to my fate. All summer, I looked forward to seeing my family and two events– the family reunion and the first day of school.
About ten days before classes started, I realized I couldn’t afford to go back to school this semester. I was disappointed, but I knew I couldn’t stay at home. It wasn’t that anyone was pressing me to leave; I just felt like I was drowning in my life. I’d lost sight of the path toward my future and started calling my plan “the dream,” like it was out of reach in reality. I wanted to feel like I was moving toward the vision God gave me for my future and I couldn’t do it from a position of feeling like there might always be more water above my head before I could break the surface. It felt like my only chance.
On the other hand, I’m still kind of amazed how calmly my parents accepted this. They didn’t ask when I would come back, but they expressed that they were proud of me and thought I was courageous. I would be missed, my mom told me, but she understood why I had to go; she told me it would be better to return home than to sleep on the street for even one night. I think I looked at her funny, but she remembers the eighteen year old me who planned to sleep in an airport before university orientation. After a few days in my new city, I’ve considered this younger version of myself a few times. As fear and ego have flexed in me, I’ve thought, “I’m not leaving this city until I have something to show for it.” My friends must have seen it in my face, too. Pleading voices echo my mother’s warning and offer a couch as a solution.
God is humbling me, still. That’s what I think. I have to have faith for real. I have to believe He’ll sustain me and protect my friendships so that this period of waiting to hear back from jobs doesn’t drain my resources or my friends’ affection for me.
A Little Adventure 